The Mental Side of Life Without Baseball: A Look Into My Mind

By Josh

(Authors notes – so this is a lot about me and what I’m dealing with during this time. I know many others have it worse than I do but that doesn’t change the feelings and challenges I am facing. Oh and in case you don’t know me very well let me just say I’m naturally a glass half empty type of person. I’ve kind of always been that way and I don’t think that is a bad thing, just who I am.)

I honestly don’t know how to start this article. I know I want to write it but it is a lot harder than I expected. It has been three months since I was able to cover a game, and it looks like at least a few more weeks before I can attend a game. This has been a struggle for me mentally as I know it has been for so many others.

For me personally I put a lot of time planning and organizing all that I was going to do this year covering baseball. I put in more financially than I ever have with 9 Inning Know It All, planning to make this the year I really tested whether or not this could be a viable side business for me to help bring in additional income or if it was just a hobby that I need to determine how much time to spend or not spend on it.

The season started off amazing and I was blown away at how things were progressing. I was getting new supporters on Patreon and feeling like I was going to get the support I needed to cover all the costs of the site and help get me to more games than ever before. Then IT happened. It honestly took me a few weeks to realize just how impactful this loss of baseball and softball was going to be on me.

I was at a loss for what to do. I wasn’t taking photos and as a result I wasn’t drawing people to the site, wasn’t building my patreon support, nor did I have any clear idea of what to do next.

I started the podcast initially because I wanted to keep doing something baseball related to help me not think all day on the fact that I chose the worst year ever to try to take some major steps forward with the site. It has helped, but the last month and a half has been a daily debate with myself and my wife as to whether or not I should throw in the towel and move on. 

My wife has been constantly trying to tell me to keep 9 Inning Know It All active and do what I’m doing. Then once baseball gets going again the progress that I was seeing early on in the season will pick back up.

However, to run a sports related site, largely based on photographing games, it is really hard to feel motivated to keep things going when there are no games to photograph. Each day I look at the calendar I have of scheduled guests and two thoughts hit me at the same time. First is how awesome it is to see people excited to be on the podcast, but the second thought is should I just message them all and cancel things.

Everyday I look at a list that I created a couple weeks ago laying out the pros and cons of keeping 9 Inning Know It All going. Now more than ever I have tried to figure out if the time I put into everything is worth it in the end. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.

This has been my struggle. One moment I want to cover every game and event within 300 miles of me and the next I think about erasing my entire calendar and living life like a ‘normal’ person. (Let’s be honest going to 100-200 games a year isn’t what the average person does.)

I know a part of this is that I’m in a funk, even a little depressed (having worked in a Mental Health Crisis department it has helped me in identifying things personally).

I also know that a lot of people; coaches, players, media and fans, are all feeling similar feelings as I am on all different levels. Which is one reason I really wanted to lay this out here. I wanted people to know what I’m feeling so that they can see and relate to another individual who is struggling.

There is nothing wrong with struggling with things like what we are going through as a nation and a world. In fact I would be worried for anyone who wasn’t struggling in one way or another right now.

So to sum everything up I don’t know what the future holds for me and 9 Inning Know It All. I don’t know what changes will happen over the next 6 months. So if I put out a tweet about how excited I am about something and then later put out one about being frustrated and down, just know that both tweets are true. Like so many others I’m trying to figure things out, work through challenges in my head and just hoping for a better tomorrow.

If anyone needs to talk to someone (it really does help) feel free to contact me or find your local Mental Health Hotline. Know that if you are struggling it is okay to talk with someone about it. You can also write things down. Just writing this article has been really therapeutic.